02.10.12
Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 10:43 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Always swim with a buddy. That’s the advice we get so we don’t drown. But when we are going through change, sometimes we feel like shark bait. Like the flotsam and jetsam of life, strewn across the waves.
Maybe you feel like my research participants did. Alone in a sea of change. Alone, even within your own circle of friends and family.
When I realized I had too many participants waiting in line to be in my research study I was thrilled! Not just because I had obviously hit a nerve. But I was euphoric to point out to potential participants that they are NOT alone.
The reality is that people in transition are legion. Because we encounter change constantly, being a change-ling and outcast may just be the new “normal!” There is power in knowing this, and power in numbers. Eventually you’ll feel more capable, and—ultimately–hopeful.
Before they took part in my study, my research participants didn’t feel like they were “normal”–that is, healthy adults. They were at mid-life and not only were they not married and had no children, they were also in the midst of career change.
Their prongs included not only, “Where will I work?” and “Where can I find work that is meaningful to me?” They also fielded intrusive questions from the outside, wondering, “Why aren’t you married yet? You’re so pretty…”
Here’s how my study participants completed the change process:
1. Interview questions led the women to enlightenment. They could see that many factors had contributed to the confusion. The un-groundedness the women were feeling had its roots in places other than personal incompetence.
2. Previously unexamined–and therefore unchallenged–messages from childhood, family, school, religion, and media were exposed.
3. Within the examining process was a sense of humor. One woman suddenly realized how much emphasis she had placed on not getting married (so she could finish her education and career choices). “I put so much energy in not getting married, and now—I’m not!” She laughed at her pain and confusion, and created a peg of power.
4. “What do others say about this?” the women asked me. They were curious about my research findings, and whether their answers to my interview questions were typical. One e-mail contained the plea, “Help us.” Maybe their transition situation was painful, but it didn’t have to be encountered alone.
5. Once the other voices were removed, the women could see more clearly what interests they had, and those they had let slide away in the chaos. One woman knew for sure that her next career and her next relationship would reflect her new values. Another realized her own courage at confronting sexual abuse and creating a more healthy emotional life.
Each time we encounter change, we go through this whole process again. At the end of the process:
We find out what messages we want to accept.
We embrace a comforting sense of belonging. …. And best of all….
We locate those places where we can feel in control.
What will YOU find out during the change process?
How funny is THAT?
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02.09.12
Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 10:18 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Change causes us to feel out of control.
The rug has been pulled, the jig is up.
We’re exposed, we’re unsettled, we’re restless.
And—we’re not quite sure who we are anymore.
Sound familiar? Great! Here’s your chance to DO something constructive during this typically turbulent time we call CHANGE.
Change requires you to form a new “you”. To make sense of the chaos that’s splattering all around you. There is a process we go through, whether consciously or not. It’s a process that makes us feel more IN CONTROL. Instead of suffering in victim-hood, we are now exposing, examining, and then picking-and-choosing what definitions of ourselves we will and won’t tolerate.
Doesn’t matter if you didn’t have, or didn’t feel you had a choice initially. THIS time you DO have a choice. You gain strength every time you choose what to include or exclude from your personal identity line-up.
1. Look at all the prongs—those outside influencers of who we define ourselves to be. At this level, we are just becoming aware of the big picture, the overall scene and our place within that. Don’t get too attached or emotional, just observe.
2. Ask yourself about each prong. What messages made you feel less, stupid, incompetent or hopeless? Maybe you got the message, “You’re not very smart,” and that led you to believe you’d never make it in college. And so…you never tried. Ask yourself: “Am I going to accept this, or reject it?”
3. Discard those messages that are no longer relevant. Maybe in the interim of your last turbulence and the current one, you’ve gained a foothold on your self-doubts.
4. Find others who are in the same boat. Search everywhere, not just face-to-face. Find hashtags on Twitter, groups on Facebook or LinkedIn. And then rest in the knowing that there ARE people who are also tossed about by the waves of change. Simply knowing this is an empowering tool.
5. Return to the activities you love, the interests that bring you joy. This “inner-laughter” will not only promote a hopeful feeling. It will help your creativity, problem-solving, and focus.
Stay tuned to see how the women in my research study used this process to make a career change!
How funny is THAT?
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02.07.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor~Business, Humor~Technology, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 9:39 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
In my humor programs, people have asked me, “What if I work with a boss who has no sense of humor, who
expect me to understand technology, and to do things perfectly?”
I’ve come to the conclusion that when we’re not living our purpose, we’re going to feel out of
control.
Only you know how badly you need that job.
Only you know whether or not it’s your true calling.
Only you know how much you can take, and/or how far you can take any of my humor strategies there in your workplace.
Your boss isn’t here at my programs, but you are. And the strategies I’m giving you are so that you can protect yourself. But if your situation is so far gone that even humor won’t work—even you lightening
up and getting rid of your own stress–that’s the turning point.
That is when you have to realize, “Hey maybe this isn’t ‘living my purpose.’” That’s where humor and laughter enter the picture. They are the keys to getting ‘on purpose’ and living within and maybe even surpassing your potential. The keys to finding out and doing what it is that you are meant to do in this lifetime. Because if you’re that stifled by a boss, if you’re that unfulfilled by a job task, if you’re that unfulfilled in your work, you are not giving the world your best.
The remedy starts with telling yourself the TRUTH.
And that truth is the hallmark of humor & laughter.
What are YOU working toward? How funny is THAT?
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01.30.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Humor~Health & Goals, Humor~Inspirational, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 3:59 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Change means that we feel out of control. We don’t know who we are anymore. We’ve lost our identity, and with it, our sense of humor. Then, we take everything seriously, including—and especially—ourselves.
So then we can’t relax. So then we can’t focus; our decisions are skewed. What we’re left with are actions that may be moving forward, but we still feel out of control. We question: Maybe this isn’t the forward motion we’re supposed to be on.
I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed that my grandma was out of it. She didn’t remember me or know who I was. Suddenly, I felt afraid. Felt out of control—of the dream scene, my feelings, and my choices.
That dream got me thinking about caregivers. When a scene like that dream happens in real life, what do caregivers do? All of a sudden their ‘in control’ life of saying “Hi” to their loved ones disappears. They become strangers in this new, strange land. No wonder there is little to laugh at or about.
But if we can’t lighten up, we can’t help our loved one to lighten up either. No matter who they think we are. We create a negative vortex of sad-ittude that begins with fear and swirls around with what-if’s, avoidance, denial, and then we may just bolt from the room in a self-generated panic.
My grandpa died in a nursing home. The day he left, he’d asked for his hat, shoes, and “billfold” (wallet). He was ready to go. He knew it.
He was in control.
We weren’t.
He knew his identity was leaving now.
We didn’t know that.
But what if there is a stage amid failure of one thing and success in the next? 
Why not claim this limbo state, and declare it as our identity? What if accepting that we are out of control were our (only) way of being “in control”?
How that would make us laugh!
How that would clarify our decision-making!
How that would make things much easier to handle and accept!
How funny is THAT?
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12.05.11
Posted in Humor & change, Humor~Health & Goals, Humor~Research, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 7:58 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
I used to believe the Oprah chant that we are the creators of our selves. We decide what our identity will be. I used to believe that. Until the Penn State scandal.
The news of the scandal, and especially the shock of Joe Paterno’s ousting, were unsettling to this recent Penn State graduate. The entire escapade highlighted just how little control we sometimes may have in deciding who “we” “are”.
The Paterno news was startling, because the coach came to represent Penn State’s identity. Even more than the high quality research history, the other sports and academic programs, the creamery and the animal studies.
But I was never a football fan. The only Penn State gear I bought in my 7 year career there was a pair of blue fleece mittens with the Nittany Lion logo. I didn’t buy football jerseys, or even go to any games. My strategy had always been to get out of town when there was a game, otherwise I would be stuck in the tiny-streeted maze until after half- time.
So why did the news affect me like it did?
I felt, as one person walking on the streets of State College commented, “like I was in a daze.” This is what it feels like to not know your identity. And this is exactly what happens when we’re slapped in the face with CHANGE.
Sure we do and can decide how we will define our identity. But even more so, and even more surprising, is that we also absorb large amounts of other things that define our identity. These are the facets that we must investigate, and later integrate (or not) as we go through a transition situation.
The bad news is that we don’t realize this. We want to overcome the change, get back to normal, and feel happy again. Even more bad news: when we encounter change, our first reaction may be to grasp on to disjointed tips and advice and therefore we don’t successfully complete our change. We end up back in the vortex of feeling like we’re in a daze.
We need a systematic approach to change. A program that will help us to naviagte, incorporate, and enjoy the process of change.
The good news is that we CAN do this—but only by using our innate sense of HUMOR…
Who are you after a change? How funny is THAT?
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11.25.11
Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, www.HumorAcademy.com at 6:07 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
unicycle class action
“Uni”-eed to Unicycle By Dr. Trina Hess’ www.HumorAcademy.com
Tomorrow I’ll go to unicycle class. My 3rd class. I still can’t balance or ride without holding on to the wall. But the experience of unicycling shows that in order to learn something new, we have to have these factors in place. Factors that our class morphed into quite naturally.
1. Risk it. Be willing to be a beginner, be laughed at, be hurt, be aware that you made a wrong choice. Be willing to take a chance and do something waaay out of your comfort zone. This is possible when we….
2. Expect nothing. Not success, not failure, not fame, glory, or injury. This frees us to enjoy the topic, the experience, the other learners’ ideas and experiences. When we do this we….
3. Experiment freely. Without being judged, graded, or even observed, I step up onto the uni after each fall. No one else cares, they are involved in their own learning, falling, and getting-back-up-again. We are able to keep going because we…
4. Lead ourselves. Our teachers don’t lecture. They merely gave some simple tips to get on the uni. Then, we experiment on our own uni in our own time. The teachers are only a resource if we have questions, have accomplishments, have had enough. When we lead our own learning, we…
5. Pace ourselves. We rest when we need to, we get back up to the wall when we’re ready. We learn to trust our pace of learning, our style of acquiring knowledge, and the speed at which we can comprehend. When all these facets are in place we can…
understand what our teacher told us: ”Your body knows what to do. You just have to get on the unicycle.”
Funny how this can apply to ANY learning—when we keep our sense of humor, we strip away the comparisons, the pressure, the focus on being perfect, the spectre of being judged and graded.
And then we can naturally and in our own time, leave the wall and balance through life, sometimes falling, sometimes staying upright. But always having fun because we know we’ve taken the steps to trust ourselves.
What are YOU willing to risk to learn to have fun? How funny is THAT?
share your learning experiences at our Facebook page~
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10.27.11
Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Humor~In The News, Humor~Technology, Learning Identity, The Change Process, www.HumorAcademy.com at 10:35 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
When I heard that the Obama administration was planning on forgiving student loans, I was mad. Mad for all the students who DID have to repay their loans through sacrifice and discipline. Mad for the people who have car loans and are feeling lucky at this news. Mad at a culture that is not more mad over this issue.
Humor is all about
* accepting who and where and what we are–even and sometimes especially the not-so-pleasant
* becoming open to possibility and ideas
* discovering who we are, and what we’re on earth to accomplish
* having fun as we enjoy the entire journey
This process can’t happen if the component of “self” is taken from the equation of self-responsibility.
This process can’t happen if we shield people from the negative and encourage them to only see the positive and shiny/bright/sweet-smelling.
The news of the loan forgiveness struck me, because it highlighted our increasingly-normal response to change. That is, we don’t, won’t and can’t ADAPT. That’s because we are looking at “college” in outdated terms. Just like the Hausfrau image has hampered interpersonal relations by giving (usually) the woman what sociologist Arlie Hochschild names a Second Shift.
The problem is that we have kept our image—our “perfect” image–of what college should be, despite radically changed circumstances that make this image not only obsolete, but dangerous to apply in today’s world.
That “perfect” image had us needing to travel far, far away from home to a college. Going to a branch campus or community college was unacceptable. Commuting while living at home? Nonsense! College meant finding a profession, and preferably a husband. ”College life” meant partying and wasting time. Being free. Not worrying about who would be responsible. Ok, maybe that was just me. But that DID work way back in my undergraduate days.
Unfortunately for today’s students, the world has raced quickly out of that image, and we haven’t created another “perfect” college image to replace it. But maybe that’s the problem: We’re focusing too much on a comforting goal: perfection. And even though we know it’s unattainable, we tenaciously grasp onto it, a security blanket in a world that’s increasingly unknown and therefore, unsafe.
What do we do when we face the unknown? We run, hide, ignore, and/or cling to what we’ve known to work in the past. Our first choice isn’t usually to see how that past choice and today’s reality gel or don’t.
The worst part of the loan forgiveness isn’t that it will happen. Isn’t that it’s a dangerous precedent to set in the attitude and mindset of the next generations.
The worst thing about it all is that it reminds me that we DON”T have a healthy or useful strategy for dealing with change. It tells me that we don’t naturally or typically want to make adjustments. It shows me that our open-mindedness that we claim to have isn’t so wide-open after all.
The natural progression of graduation in your area of concentration leading to a job in that profession today is laughable. That fossilized mindset is what stops students in their tracks, hardens their mind like cement around only looking for work in that area of expertise. Smashes the entrepreneurial spirit in its wake.
This loan forgiveness issue should inspire us. No, not to sign up for college. To examine what OTHER areas our thinking have become fossilized. Which other models we’re basing our current actions on, even though they may be ineffective. What attitudes we’re clutching to, that don’t serve us in (the) reality of our situation.
How much do YOU owe in student loans? How funny is THAT?
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09.26.11
Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 4:02 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
While I was researching how people reconstruct their identity after making a work transition, something funny happened. My participants laughed at what seemed to me like inappropriate times during their interviews.
Participants laughed while they described to me painful interrogations from friends and family. ”Did you find a new job yet?” ”Why aren’t you married yet, you’re so pretty?” ”Why don’t you just snap out of it, what are you so depressed about?”
Thanks for the support, people. I thought to myself, “With family and friends like that, who needs family and friends?”
After a long reconsideration, it hit me. They were laughing while they told me their narratives about work transitions BECAUSE they had made it over the hump. The big problem of career change mixed with personal life reconstruturing—it was laughable. And therefore, it was under their control.
No, the laughter wasn’t out-of-control. But neither was the situation. Even something as simple as a smile. Or an “ah-ha” at an irony that presents itself within a crisis situation. Anything laugh-related can loosen us out of our stupor and get us back to ourselves…
…Back to our identity; the identity of someone who is capable of acting in a new work role, in a new relationship, and a new life.
That’s what humor holds for us: a way to maintain composure in a difficult situation, so that we can begin to create tendrils of solutions. And then we can wend our way out of the crisis.
What’s so funny about Y.O.U.? (c)
1. Y.es to what’s happening now. Accepting the pain, the injustice, the uncomfortable-ness of change builds a foundation where humor can stack itself up toward the light.
2. O.wn your sense of humor. Don’t worry that you can’t appreciate a funny movie or laugh at comics. Seeing ANYthing that makes you smile or that points out contradictions can start you on the path toward in-controlness.
3. U.se humor to steer your next steps. You don’t have to throw off and forget all the pain you’ve just traversed. Humor helps you not only overcome the uncomfortable, but also incorporate its valuable lessons as a now de-emotionalized problem-solver.
The ability to realize, recognize and finally appreicate humor signals that whatever our problem or crisis was, we have overcome it. Change may still be happening, but at least we have started to get a break from it. A break that allows us to see more clearly and decide on a new path.
Who are Y.O.U. today? How funny is that?
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09.20.11
Posted in Humor attitude, Humor~Creativity, Humor~Health & Goals, Learning Identity, www.HumorAcademy.com at 2:21 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Every time I see William Hurt, I like him more and more. I just watched him yesterday in “The 4th Floor.” The more I watched his stoic character, the more I realized, HE embodies HUMOR.
No, he’s not rolling in the aisles.
No, he’s not cracking jokes.
No, he’s not even smiling.
But what he DOES do is open up a world where HUMOR can thrive. Here’s how:
1. He is un-usual. His character is definitely not what we think of when we think of the status quo “actor.” He’s not one of those Lifetime-movie heavy-sighing, cat-fighting, back-stabbing actor (and those are just the love scenes).
Instead, the silence of his character lets OUR creativity roar. His minute, almost imperceptible facial expressions let US read into the story, let US make up our own minds about him, about his relationship to the other characters, and his level of guilt and suspicion.
2. He makes us wonder. He stands back and lets US figure out “the joke”, or the meaning of the movie. Not only that, but his complete lack of the lady-ga-ga-style over-the-top style that we’ve come to define as “entertainment”—that’s what makes him compelling.
3. He opens space. Like all good humor, he surprises us, catches us off guard, because he isn’t doing anything. He’s not flailing around, he’s not shouting, he doesn’t have a non-content-rich reality show. He doesn’t DO anything!!! And in today’s world of people who do too much, that is fascinating!!! It’s ground-breaking!! It is different. And we notice.
4. He is OK with what is. William Hurt embraces the quality of acceptance—one of the key components that makes humor work. He’s no Brad Pitt. He probably looks like your dentist. He doesn’t wear flashy clothes or talk in an accent. He doesn’t have abs.
You can imagine that this actor you watch on screen is the same one who would be taking out the garbage to the curb on trash day, going to PTA meetings, or balancing his checkbook. He simply makes a seamless transition to his career, which happens to be acting, the way people transition from getting out of bed and into their car to go to their jobs. This comfortable acceptance of himself makes us feel comfortable watching him. He is credible. That makes his characters credible. That makes me more interested in seeing what else he will (or won’t) do.
Is your humor style Hurt-ing anyone? I hope so.
Being yourself is very compelling. And you might even surprise someone…..
How funny is THAT?
Tell us more at www.HumorAcademy.com and then continue the conversation on Facebook!
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04.25.11
Posted in Humor attitude, Humor~Inspirational, Learning Identity, The Change Process, www.HumorAcademy.com at 3:43 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
It IS possible to be too de-stressed. I’ll give you time to re-read that sentence.
I’m talking about de-stressed—to the point of giving up, letting people walk all over us, our dignity and what we thought was our personal freedom and meaning.
Coming home from a conference, I was stopped at the radiation-monitor known as TSA. Apparently I seemed suspicious. I could have been planning to throw a malatov cocktail. (Have they ever seen me throw a ball? Even young children laugh at me).
“Can I get my bags off the conveyor belt?” I asked in a panic, as I watched people rush by my exposed money, clothing and make-up. People who were by then overly-irritated and probably also money-hungry and make-up challenged.
Sure I did have those >3 oz. make-up items in my bag but this punishment was going too far. I surely wasn’t going to combine them into an explosive. (Have they seen my chemistry grades? THAT’s what should constitute an airline screening! Throwing a ball and science abilities. I could run through the detectors!)
But the screener didn’t seem to hear me. As he was closing the see-through door of the plastic square of guilt, he simply added, chuckling, “Just keep an eye on ‘em.” He chuckled! HE was obviously de-stressing in his job. And that was for me very distressing!
There was no way—AND no reason—for me to see this situation in a funny way. How did I know? I just knew. On a visceral level. That something was very wrong with this picture. Especially after the cursory and probably also-meaningless swabbing of my hands after I was released from the guilt chamber.
Did they think that in addition to being a threat that I was also one of those people who doesn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom??? Where would it end?
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Where IS the line? And does it depend on our mood of the day? I hope that even on a good hair day I will STILL take offense at being “chosen” for “special” screeing.
Instead of laughing off our stress, let’s instead screen our stress-reduction tendencies and beliefs before implementing them:
1. First, see if the situation is flush with reality. Does it make sense, what’s happening?
2. Second, what does it do to your feeling of personal dignity? Some people are offended at blue humor. Others don’t even notice it. How do YOU feel?
3. Finally, even if there is nothing inherently funny in the situation, we can maintian a humorous outlook INWARDLY. As a meditative state that allows us clarity and the capacity for action.
How did YOU survive today’s screening? How funny is THAT? How funny SHOULD it be?
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